When it was decided that gay marriage would now be legal nationwide, I can’t say it had any impact on me. I’m not sure if that makes me seem selfish, hateful, too Christian, or not Christian enough, but it really didn’t bother me one way or the other. Growing up I had the knowledge of “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” and knew the meaning and importance of marriage and family. At the time that this ruling was made on legalizing gay marriage, I was close to getting engaged and married myself. I still knew I wanted to be married in the temple and what that would mean for my husband and me and our future family.

When it comes to being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it can be hard to decide what side of the issue to be on. I happen to have several members of my family and husband’s family that are gay. The love I have for them is just as strong as the love I have for any other member of my family. I want them to have the same joy and happiness in life as everyone else. So, for me, I don’t see a big deal in gay marriage. No, I do not necessarily agree with it, but we were all given agency and should be able to use that how we see fit. You won’t find me out rallying and marching for gay marriage in support, but if I was invited to the wedding of a close friend or family member that was gay, I would gladly attend.

I can’t say I am for or against gay marriage, but as a follower of Christ and a member of His church I will always follow and defend His teachings. When it comes to being a defender of marriage, I may look at that differently than others. I see defending marriage as being an example first and foremost. In order to defend the true nature of marriage as intended by God, I have to have a Christ-centered, loving marriage myself. This will be an example most importantly to my children, and with this also comes the responsibility of teaching my children the importance of marriage and family as intended by God.

Another way of not only defending marriage, but defending God, is showing love to everyone around us. To do this we have to be willing to allow others to freely use their agency, just as we do. It is okay to make it known how we feel on the matter of same-sex marriage, but we don’t need to do so in a hateful way. All my family members and friends, gay or not, know that I believe marriage should be between a man and woman. However, this does not mean that my gay family members think I hate them. My sister-in-law, in fact, just got married to her girlfriend, now wife. She knows how the Church views marriage, which is how I view marriage, but still wanted my husband and me there. Unfortunately, due to timing we could not make it, which actually made us so sad. We would have happily attended her wedding to show our love and support for her, not necessarily her choices.

“Those who have caused a divorce through their own poor choices can repent and be forgiven. Those whose marriages have failed because of what others have done can receive strength and comfort from the Lord, who promised: “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. … For my yoke is easy, and my burden light” (Matthew 11:28, 30).” (lds.org)

My brother was married for four years. In those four years his marriage was never perfect, (whose is?!) but they were happy. But alas, their marriage ended in divorce four years in. The last year of my brother’s marriage was rough, not just on him, but all of us as his family because we could see the struggle he was going through. The influences of how he was raised vs. how his ex-wife was raised were very different.

For my brother, he was raised in a loving home to married parents and a church going family with strong morals. Even though my brother was no longer going to church when he got married, he always held those morals and lived by them. As for his then wife, she was raised in single parent home with her mother and different men coming and going. She had many half siblings and step-father figures. She got to see her dad and his live-in girlfriend, who all these years later are still just boyfriend and girlfriend, as often as allowed, but her parents did not get along and did not try to hide it.

When it came down to the two of them getting married, our family was very supportive and understanding of wanting to make that lifetime commitment. However, her family hated the idea and didn’t think she was making the right choice. They thought she was too young, they thought that only two years of dating wasn’t enough time, and they thought not having finished school first was a mistake. They made sure throughout those four years that my brother and his wife knew what a mistake their marriage was. This eventually led to my brother’s then wife to start allowing her family to influence her thoughts and seep into her marriage. When the hard times came she was quick to jump ship because that’s what she was taught growing up. For my brother, he worked and tried for their marriage because he knew it was worth fighting for. In the end, it takes two to make a marriage work which wasn’t the case here.

Growing up as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, divorce wasn’t something common or openly talked about often. Over the years, and now being married myself, I have developed my own opinion and view on divorce. In my brother’s case, I think divorce was the best thing for him. His marriage was not healthy. She had given up and my brother was the only one fighting to carry their marriage through which was hurting him in many ways. As soon as the divorce went through, my brother was a whole new person. He was happier, sillier, kinder, and had a better direction on his life.

Divorce should never be the first choice. (Unless their is any kind of abuse going on then I say absolutely divorce.) Even through infidelity, in some cases, I believe marriages can be repaired and saved. I have had to look at my own marriage and find ways I can continually fix it and make it stronger. My husband and I get on each other’s nerves sometimes to the point where I feel hate towards him and I’m sure he feels it right back. But not once does the thought of divorce cross my mind. We made that commitment to each other and to God. Those arguments can be worked through, no matter how much work it takes. I love what Elder Dallin H. Oaks had to say to married couples and strive to always follow this counsel in my own marriage.

“Now I speak to married people, especially to any who may be considering divorce. I strongly urge you and those who advise you, to face up to the reality that, for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce, but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility, but selfishness. The first step is not separation, but reformation.”