“Two amazing women can love the same incredible man in completely different ways. One is his wife, the other is his mother.”

Unknown

 When I used to think about getting married, I would also think about getting to have a new family. I always pictured having a mother-in-law that I was close with and hung out with and felt completely comfortable with. My own mom and I are extremely close. We talk almost every day, we are very similar, and enjoy all of the same things. I think because of this relationship I just figured that is how it would go with my future mother-in-law. Now that I am married and do have a mother-in-law, it is not quite how I imagined.

 I have now been married three years and still don’t feel how I would have hoped toward my mother-in-law. She is very different than me. I am the typical girl that loves shopping, clothes, shoes, home decor as well as living a healthy and active lifestyle. My mom and I are very much the same in this regard. My mother-in-law is quite opposite which has made it hard, even after three years, to make connections and get close with her. We have different senses of humor and very different personalities as well. I often feel a sense of judgement when she is around because she is very opinionated and will speak her mind, often not knowing how she is coming off. 

 Through all of this, I still long for that close relationship with her. I have had to learn to put my pride aside and reach out to her. Living so far away from her and her not being on social media means I have to go out of my way to communicate with her. Especially now, having children of my own, I know how important it is for her to want to hear about our lives and how her grandchildren are doing. I have started texting her at least once a week just updating her on what we have been up to and sending her any pictures of us that I posted on social media that she would not have seen. Through doing all of this I have come to feel more comfortable with her and can see that close relationship starting to develop. 

“A mother gives you life. A mother-in-law gives you her life.”

Amit Kalantri

“Parents… should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time. … Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and their mothers, not only respect and courtesy towards their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home.”

Joseph F. Smith

I loved the article from Richard Miller, “Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families”. It was so simple and to the point about how a marriage relationship should be as partners and parents. I can’t say I necessarily learned anything new, but I was reminded of the importance of equal partnership in marriage. 

What stuck out to me most in this article was the section, “Parents must be united in their leadership.” The beginning explanation of this section said, “It is important that parents work together in their leadership in the family. Sometimes a parent forms a coalition with a child against the other parent. Although usually unspoken, a parent undermines the other parent. It is vital that parents support each other in the presence of their children. If parents disagree on parenting issues, they should discuss the issues in an “executive session” without the children present.” This was really important for me to read and be reminded of because my husband and I only have a year and a half of parenting experience so far and have a lot to learn. I am quick to turn away my husband’s parenting suggestions because I often think I know what is best for our son since I am with him the majority of the time. My husband is just as much a parent to our son as I am and needs to have just as much input into raising him. 

This section goes on to talk about working together and being consistent in decision making. I can think of times when we definitely weren’t consistent in our parenting and have seen the negative effects it had on our son and my husband and me. Often when we aren’t consistent it is out of convenience in that particular situation, but that only leads to meltdowns and tantrums from our son and mom and dad being annoyed with each other. For example, every night we read our son two bedtime stories, and then it is time for bed. He often wants another story and will cry when getting into bed. Some nights I suggest maybe we just read him one more (or if my husband is gone I will sometimes read one or two more) but this only leads to our son thinking he is in control. My husband also feels that he isn’t heard and looked at as an equal parent because this is something that we agreed on and should stick with. We aren’t teaching our son anything by letting him get to decide when he is satisfied with how many books are read (he would stay up all night!), and my husband and I are not connected as partners. 

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“There is not a more pure and holy principle in existence than the affection which glows in the bosom of a virtuous man for his companion; … The fact is, God made man, male and female; he planted in their bosoms those affections which are calculated to promote their happiness and union.”

Elder Parley P. Pratt

My husband and I have very different views on what physical intimacy is when it comes to our marriage. I love all that mushy, gushy stuff like holding hands and cuddling (and a good make out session here and there) and am completely satisfied with this type of intimacy. This is not enough for my husband and frankly he hates this kind of intimacy. To him, physical intimacy means sex and all that entails leading up to that. I think sex between a husband and wife is a beautiful, intimate thing, but I don’t feel the need as strongly as my husband does. When my husband fulfills my physical intimacy needs I feel the love that we have for each other and the closeness that it brings us. When my husband’s idea of physical intimacy is fulfilled, this is how he feels love and closeness in our relationship. Being able to fulfill each other’s needs is an even greater feeling of love and appreciation for one another. 

In the beginning of our marriage, this was an awkward topic. As newlyweds, sexual intimacy was new and exciting, but was not something I felt very comfortable talking about with my new husband. A quote from Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage says, “As couples learn to communicate about sexual intimacy, they must learn to become comfortable with the topic and expressing their feelings and thoughts in specific ways. This is something that does not happen immediately, but over time as a couple trusts each other and learns to talk about a subject that may have been glossed over quickly or left undiscussed previously.” I couldn’t agree with this more. Over time as our marriage grew and we progressed further in our relationship and got to understand each other better, our communication on all things opened up and became more comfortable and natural. We learned that it was okay to talk about our sexual relationship and likes and dislikes of that matter with each other. This helped to not only bring us closer together, but made our sexual experiences more meaningful and enjoyable. 

Growing up in the LDS church, I think it is common for young newlyweds to have a negative outlook on sex and sexual relationships because we talk so much about not having sex and why it is bad to do so before marriage. The Church lacks talking about the positive side of sexual intimacy in marital relationships. Sexual intimacy is so important for a marital relationship. I love the quote from President Spencer W. Kimball, “It is destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.” He perfectly describes the purpose and beauty of sexual relations. Yes, sex is so that we can produce children and create families, but it is also important to remember it is a great expression of love. 

 In Gottman’s book he describes the Marital Poop Detector as a built-in early-warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in jeopardy because it’s a way of recognizing if something doesn’t “smell” right.  Gottman goes on to explain that it’s best to talk about issues in your relationship while they are still minor – before they build up steam and become combustible. This is what a Marital Poop Detector is for. Even though wives are usually more likely to take the lead in “sniffing” out trouble, in my marriage, I think my husband is better at this. When I am in a bad mood, whether it is because of something my husband did or not, he can always tell. I become more quiet than usual, sharp and snappy in my responses, and overall have a negative attitude. Over time in our marriage my husband has picked up on these things which has allowed his Marital Poop Detector to develop.

 The Marital Poop Detector helps in my marriage because my husband is able to sense that something is wrong. Then he is able to asses the situation and try his best to help me through it. He will give me a bit of time to cool of if he can sense that is what I need, but no matter what, he will always try to talk to me about what the problem is so we can get through it and move on happily. 

 Because my husband and I have developed this Marital Poop Detector in our own marriage it has made it easier to open up and want to talk to each other about our issues. We still may argue and not always agree or understand where the other is coming from, but we are not afraid to share our feelings. Through our Marital Poop Detectors we know how much love and support we have for each other.  

As of lately, my husband and I always seem to be arguing. There is constantly something he is doing that annoys me which leads me to annoy him by nonstop nagging him about it. (I am currently 36 weeks pregnant and caring for our rambunctious 1 and a half year old all day so I am hormonal and exhausted  24/7 which may explain my short fuse.) Most of our arguments and frustrations are small and often over something that really isn’t that big of a deal. Because of this, we have both come to master repair attempts and not let things escalate more than they need to.

A recurring annoyance and argument we seem to be having is over spilling water on the floor. Whether it is dishes, changing the water jug on the cooler, washing his hands, or anything else to do with water, my husband doesn’t seem to care where the water ends up. This results in water usually being dripped all over the floor and him not caring enough to wipe it up because “it’s just water.” This drives me CRAZY. So naturally this leads into expressing my annoyance and frustrations and him complaining about me nagging. Then usually within minutes of this exact argument, I will fill up my water bottle, clean up dishes, or do something else involving water and spill on the floor, without fail. My husband then in a humorous, mocking manner will give me the same sch-peel I give him about getting water everywhere.  

That is basically how all of our arguments are repaired – by humor and jokes. It almost always works because we have come to know when the other is trying to repair the situation and wanting to make up. By using humor we come closer together and then are able to see the mistakes that we have made and want to apologize to one another. This lighthearted humor in our relationship makes it easy for us to forgive each other as well. When we bring humor into the situation, we no longer feel the anger or negativity because we are laughing and smiling. We realize we like the positive feelings we are having with each other much better. Forgiveness is so vital in all marriages, but especially ours because it helps me to humble myself and think about my husband’s needs over my own. When I forgive my husband over something he did to annoy or hurt me, I feel better about myself and I see the burden and anger lifted from him as well. 

Pride must die in you, or nothing of heaven can live in you.

Andrew Murray

 My husband is often asking me to make changes in myself for the sake of bettering myself, our relationship, and our family. It is hard to not get hurt or offended at these requests and even feel a sense of anger. It is hard to fight back the urge to spout back a list of things he needs to change or that I don’t like that he does. This is pride creeping into my thoughts. It is up to me to decide how I respond to my husband’s requests and whether or not I that that pride take the lead. 

 I tend to stress myself out by wanting everything around the house to be spotless and running smoothly at all times. I have a one and a half year old son and two large dogs. This makes for a messy, hairy, and loud home. My husband also tends to leave his things lying around the house. This is the one thing my husband is constantly asking me to change about myself. He sees how much I stress myself out by these silly things and how that leads to being impatient and short tempered to everyone in the house. I become quite the nagging wife when I have allowed myself to get so stressed out which then leads to my relationship suffering. My son doesn’t get the fun, happy mom he deserves because I am too worried about the mess he is making rather than taking a step back and enjoying this stage and time with him. 

 My husband doesn’t want me to change for the sake of himself (although I am sure he would love less nagging), but he wants me to change so that I can be happy and enjoy my days. He wants me to change for the sake of our son so that he can have the mother that he deserves. He needs me to change for the sake of our relationship, so that we can grow closer to each other and have a happy home. 

 In the moment, hearing him ask me to make a change is hard, but when I have time to think back and reflect on why he is asking this of me, I can see why it matters to him and our marriage. I pray every day for Heavenly Father’s help in pushing aside the pride and allowing me to make the changes I need to. My willingness is just the first step, but my actions are how I really show that I am trying and want to make this change. It takes patience and persistence to turn away from the pride within, but it is all worth it!

“Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.”

Doctrine and Covenants 64:33

This scripture could not be more perfect for explaining marriage and the principle of turning toward one another. The first thing I noticed in this verse of scripture was the word ‘work’. Marriage IS work. It’s hard work, but it is great work. When it comes to turning toward our spouse in their times of need, comfort, support, or whatever it may be, it is not always easy to do so willingly. We as human beings have selfish tendencies no matter how much love we have for someone, even our spouse. I know for me in my own marriage, I have to work at not being ‘weary’ when my husband needs my time and attention at certain times. This is where I have to make the choice to turn toward my husband or turn away and ignore his pleads. Most often the bids my husband makes are small things and by adding all these small things up, it will lead to a much happier, stronger, and greater marriage. 

As I have become more aware of the principle of turning toward one another, I have been trying to better focus on the bids my husband makes. It has become exciting in a way to see what ways he tries to get me to understand what it is he needs from me. By becoming more aware of this principle I have found myself becoming excited and anxious to get to turn toward him and fulfill his needs.

I just had an experience where I got to turn toward my husband rather than deciding to turn away. He came home from work Thursday evening and asked me if I could find a babysitter for Friday or Saturday night so that we could go out to dinner before he left for his work trip the following Monday. My very first thought was negative. I started to get a little annoyed at how last minute he was being and wondering why he couldn’t just find a babysitter since it was his idea. Instead of letting him hear this, I was able to let those thoughts pass and agreed to ask around for a sitter. I noticed my husband sort of light up at the thought of having a night out just the two of us and that made me really forget all my negative thoughts that were still lingering. Had I decided to turn away from my husband in this moment and complain about his inconsideration to other people’s weekends or taking time away from our already busy weekend, I would have missed that moment to reconnect with him. I noticed as the evening went on that he was a bit more affection toward me and seemed to have more willingness to help with my nightly routine.  This is one of many small things helping to continue to build our marriage foundation. 

“You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make.”

Gordon B. Hinckley

Growing up I was always surrounded by family. I’m talking grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, great aunts and uncles, and so on. When I always pictured getting married and having kids of my own one day, I always imagined they would grow up the same way – surrounded by family. Then I went and married a member of the United States Air Force. At the time it didn’t really hit me that this would mean possibly moving around often and sometimes far. 

 In the first year and a half of marriage we lived only a half hour away from most of my family and saw them regularly. In that time we became pregnant with our first child and quickly after finding that out, we also found out we would be moving very far away to the island of Guam. All of my dreams and visions of the future were shattered. Just months after having this new baby I would be moving away from my home and family to a place where I knew no one and nothing about. Talk about a sacrifice!

 Change is hard and scary for me, especially one as big and life changing as moving my new little family to the middle of the ocean. Although I was devastated and scared, I never once had any doubts. This was where my husband’s job was sending us, and I chose to marry my husband knowing this would likely happen. Now after being in Guam for a year and a half, I would do it all over again. It is still hard and challenging, but I love my husband and would follow him anywhere. Had I been stubborn and refused to leave home, that would have destroyed our marriage and family. Our son would be without his father and we wouldn’t have this new baby on the way. Through this sacrifice I have been able to grow and develop a greater appreciation for all his hard work and his own sacrifices. He makes sacrifices every day by being a member of the military, so the least I can do is move to a new place for a few years.