Divorce. . .

“Those who have caused a divorce through their own poor choices can repent and be forgiven. Those whose marriages have failed because of what others have done can receive strength and comfort from the Lord, who promised: “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. … For my yoke is easy, and my burden light” (Matthew 11:28, 30).” (lds.org)

My brother was married for four years. In those four years his marriage was never perfect, (whose is?!) but they were happy. But alas, their marriage ended in divorce four years in. The last year of my brother’s marriage was rough, not just on him, but all of us as his family because we could see the struggle he was going through. The influences of how he was raised vs. how his ex-wife was raised were very different.

For my brother, he was raised in a loving home to married parents and a church going family with strong morals. Even though my brother was no longer going to church when he got married, he always held those morals and lived by them. As for his then wife, she was raised in single parent home with her mother and different men coming and going. She had many half siblings and step-father figures. She got to see her dad and his live-in girlfriend, who all these years later are still just boyfriend and girlfriend, as often as allowed, but her parents did not get along and did not try to hide it.

When it came down to the two of them getting married, our family was very supportive and understanding of wanting to make that lifetime commitment. However, her family hated the idea and didn’t think she was making the right choice. They thought she was too young, they thought that only two years of dating wasn’t enough time, and they thought not having finished school first was a mistake. They made sure throughout those four years that my brother and his wife knew what a mistake their marriage was. This eventually led to my brother’s then wife to start allowing her family to influence her thoughts and seep into her marriage. When the hard times came she was quick to jump ship because that’s what she was taught growing up. For my brother, he worked and tried for their marriage because he knew it was worth fighting for. In the end, it takes two to make a marriage work which wasn’t the case here.

Growing up as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, divorce wasn’t something common or openly talked about often. Over the years, and now being married myself, I have developed my own opinion and view on divorce. In my brother’s case, I think divorce was the best thing for him. His marriage was not healthy. She had given up and my brother was the only one fighting to carry their marriage through which was hurting him in many ways. As soon as the divorce went through, my brother was a whole new person. He was happier, sillier, kinder, and had a better direction on his life.

Divorce should never be the first choice. (Unless their is any kind of abuse going on then I say absolutely divorce.) Even through infidelity, in some cases, I believe marriages can be repaired and saved. I have had to look at my own marriage and find ways I can continually fix it and make it stronger. My husband and I get on each other’s nerves sometimes to the point where I feel hate towards him and I’m sure he feels it right back. But not once does the thought of divorce cross my mind. We made that commitment to each other and to God. Those arguments can be worked through, no matter how much work it takes. I love what Elder Dallin H. Oaks had to say to married couples and strive to always follow this counsel in my own marriage.

“Now I speak to married people, especially to any who may be considering divorce. I strongly urge you and those who advise you, to face up to the reality that, for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce, but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility, but selfishness. The first step is not separation, but reformation.”